JCT's over, finally. I studied but I cant seem to answer the questions. It was a disaster, I blank out totally. No more hope. I am going to fail at least 2 papers. Wad to do?? haix...I really did study. But I guess my mind is just not there though my eyes are staring at the notes. Always drifting to my own dreamland where there is peace and no quarrels btw family members and there is love and care and concern and most importantly a world without gamblers, a place where people dun talk about money. I think I am going crazy. I am being a loner, isolation from people, and drinking is just a joy to me.

I have been sleeping at 5,6 am these few days. Should I say I am busy playing and studying or am I suffering from insomnia. Different dreams every day, different thoughts every month, different age every year. Things are changing every second. I need sleeping pills or any drug that cause drowsiness will do. :-/

~Its really difficult to fake a smile sometimes, it just makes things worse.~

`That's what my life is about>>fake emotions.`

I am so tired...tired of everything. My head feels so heavy and my brain is saturated...

The only times I can forget about myself is when I am in court......I miss volleyball...miss my teammates lotx......

What do humans live for? Sometimes I really wonder...

You tell me that you don't wish to carry on living, I also want to tell you that I wish to die. And not just die but to die in front of you. You want me to study well for my future yet you are the one that make me fail my studies, I can't focus well with so much worries. Sometimes I really feel like giving up totally, yet i kept myself going.

One day if I have the courage to tell you that I want to commit suicide, you would have found me lying in a pool of blood telling you I can't make it anymore.

These thoughts have come across me more than 10 times this year. It has been getting worse these two years. I really wonder if I am able to hold on longer.

I FEEL SO PISSED OFF.....really feel like dying sometimes..... :"(