I sincerely pray to God to bring my cousin to heaven earlier, the place where she long to be. A place without illness, without jealousy, without quarrels and only a place showered with peace, love and happiness by God. What a lovely place! If only where I am now is such a kind of place.

May God Bless her with such lovely moments sooner......

live life to the fullest while you can...

have been visiting my dear cousin kyla. She was only 24 years old when she was diagnosed with a third stage rare tissue cancer, pecoma, in july07. She underwent a 6 hours major op to remove her womb , part of large intestine, lymph nodes that had cancer cells around it and also some around her veins on the left leg. After the op, she had a stoma (an opening which allows the removal of feces bypassing the rectum) done at the iluem.

Her mum couldn't take the stress and was in a state of depression, taking sleeping pills almost everyday. Kyla however was strong and determined to fight against the cancer cells. She told her mum,"you've to go back home and rest well if not you'll not be able to look afer me when i need you.". These words were indeed very touching. Everyone was happy seeing her determination to live on. Her father had to deal with her situation and also his wife's depression causing him to breakdown a few times.

After undergoing 4 months of chemo, the doctor gave her a MRI scan. The result was that her cancer cells were actually spreading. Some growing on the kidneys, ureter, bladder, around her veins. The biggest was actually 7.7cm by 6.2cm. She herself felt sad and she cried. But her determination was still there. She had to take morphine pills 3 times daily which was a small dosage as compared to now. She started to believe people's experiences and started consuming different prescription and even took chinese medicine. Basically, she tried almost everything and everyway there was. from Chinese medicine to beetroot to lemongrass to mangosteen to chanting buddha scripts to..... Her weight dropped to 30+kg. She had backaches everyday and was unable to be in one position for long.

During my recess week, I visited her. but the next week, she was lying in hospital. Injection of a stronger painkiller than morphine, blood test, scans, drips...her cancer cells actually grew to almost 30cm which the doctor describe that it was as big as a football. Her parents were very sad. now and then, tears could be seen welling up in their eyes, sighing and yawning. They visit her every morning at 6.30am till 10pm at night. her father's big belly had actually flatten and disappeared. She had very bad backaches increasing the baseline of painkiller everyday and asking for a perch(additional dosage of painkiller on top of baseline requirement) from 2 times a day to once every 2hours. Her stomach was bloated and her legs swollen due to the removal of lymph nodes. However she was still eating well and smiling now and then. Her ureter was block due to the enlarged tumor, she had tubes diectly connected to her kidneys to drain out the excessive fluids. After another few days, the doctors had metal tubes inserted into her ureter to assist her to drain out fluids into the bladder. but one of her kidneys was found to be disfunctioning. She was able to released by herself after that.

all these was not for long...a few days later, she couldnt take the pain much more and she became frustrated. I visited her today and the baseline for her painkiller is at the max already. this time it was her urethra that was block by the tumor and her released of fluids was not to the expected level. so a tube was inserted into the bladder through urethra. Her was half-concious due to the large dosage of painkillers. she was even dozing off while having dinner. Her elder sister was beside her all the time. puffy eyes and wasnt looking good as well. doctors said that she needs a spinal anesthesia because she had reached the max dosage of painkiller allowed.

I felt so sad when i look at her. happy memories filled me. the times when we played tgt and how she dote on me. how she tied my hair for me, her cheerful looks long ago, dinners tgt, midnight soyabean before the major op, potato chips and tv....many many more...tears well up my eyes many times but they didnt dripped down in front of her..the more her smiles, the worse we feel...and now she is half-concious..eating with the slightest energy she has.

I hope her sufferings can end sooner but i can bear to see her leave...oh man...i am so confused...:"(

I have lessons tmr. but i cant get to sleep.:"(